Cats in the Bible

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

What do you get when you mix together cat lovers, babytalk, and the Bible?  The LOLCat Bible Translation Project, of course!

The LOLCat Bible simply needs to be experienced, rather than explained, but a little background is always helpful.  LOLCats are a contemporary art form (and I use the term “art” generously), dating from the mid-2000’s, that blend humorous pictures of felines (and other critters) with amusing captions, usually expressed in broken, pidgin English.  For examples of LOLCats, see here and here.  The captions make generous use of LOLspeak, a highly compressed form of English that is derived from leet, an early computer-programming shorthand.

Besides being entertaining (I have a few LOLCats as bumper stickers on my facebook page!), I was very interested to see the Bible being “translated” into LOLspeak.  My inner Puritan, of course, disapproves of distorting God’s Word into such a crass, perverse language.  But my inner hedonist thinks it’s quite fun.  On the balance, it offers a unique perspective (although not always accurate) of what Holy Writ says and a humorous felinization of the Bible.

A couple of great examples, for your enjoyment (please refer to the LOLspeak dictionary if you get stumped!):

Psalm 23

“Ceiling Cat iz mai sheprd (which is funni if u knowz teh joek about herdin catz LOL.)
He givz me evrithin I need.

He letz me sleeps in teh sunni spot
an haz liek nice waterz r ovar thar.

He makez mai soul happi
an maeks sure I go teh riet wai for him. Liek thru teh cat flap insted of out teh opin windo LOL.

I iz in teh valli of dogz, fearin no pooch,
bcz Ceiling Cat iz besied me rubbin’ mah ears, an it maek me so kumfy.

He letz me sit at teh taebl evn when peepl who duzint liek me iz watchn.
He givz me a flea baff an so much gooshy fud it runz out of mai bowl LOL.

Niec things an luck wil chase me evrydai
an I wil liv in teh Ceiling Cats houz forevr.”

The Beatitudes (Matthew 5:1-12)

“Wen he seez lotz kittehz, he climbz tree. His BFz climbz tree too.

He sez hai and he teaches teh kittehs, he sez:

Cheezburgrz to teh n00b kittehs, theys can has teh Ceiling.

Cheezburgrz to teh sad kittehs, theys can has teh petting.

Cheezburgrz to teh jentul kittehs, theys can has teh urfs.

Cheezburgrz to teh kittehs who sez ‘I can has gud, plz?’, theys can has it.

Cheezburgrz to teh kittehs dat no pwns, Ceiling Cat no pwnz0rz thems.

Cheezburgrz to teh kittehs wiff haz gud hartz, theys can sees Ceiling Cat.

Cheezburgrz to teh kittehs dat be makin teh peece, Ceiling Cat is liek ‘u mai kittehs.’

Cheezburgrz to teh kittehs dat gets pwned by otehrs fur haz gud, theys can has teh Ceiling too.

Cheezburgrz if otehrs be liek ‘DO NOT WANT’ 2 u, an liez abt u, coz of meh. B teh happys and selubraets, coz u can has cookiez n cakez in Ceiling. Iz liek wen theys been liek ‘DO NOT WANT’ to all teh holee kittehs b4.”

Ephesians 2:1-10 (my favorite)

“B4, yu wuz bad kitteh, srsly.U no smell gud.Wuz alwais goin in heets, LOLs. Ttly embaresin. An all time u fite fite fites. Ceiling Cat not want.But Ceiling Cat lovded yu newayz.Even tho yu not gud kitteh, Ceiling Cat tell Jebus bout u. Jebus go finded u, even tho u wuz vereh stinkeh kitteh.Jebus washed u off an maded u smell gud.Now you iz speshul an can haz RESPECT! An Jebus give yu best cookie EVAH!

U can haz cookie not cuz u earnded it, but cuz iz preznt frum Ceiling Cat.Kittehs braggin ‘See teh cookie? Maded it mah selfz!’ got to STFU, srsly.Ceiling Cat maded kittehs cuz He wantz kittehs keepin Him compny an watch Him make cookies nstuf.”


2 thoughts on “Cats in the Bible

  1. Presbycats luv de CeilingCat! Membr, dogs luv de CeilingCat, 2. IB LOL, and de 4hmehr modr8r o de Presbycats thnx U. srsly.

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